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scarletmorningBut!
On to the crack fic.
Title: The very short life of an unknown.... person
Fandom: FE 7
Word count: 3314
Warnings: Crack, a strange POV
Hello, out there. Today you will hear about my life which is a complicated life. I would tell you my name, but I don't have one. At least not one that you people out there will understand. You see, I'm an apple. An awesome apple and all of my many siblings are jealous, because I'm perfect. I have a great shape and my skin is a brilliant red. I'm big and round and fresh, and unfortunately very tasty. But you already guessed that, didn't you? Of course you did. Fortunately, I'm residing very high on my mother. So no human can reach me and I can laugh at their feeble attempts to get me. Their arms are just too short. It's very amusing.
But!
You know what happened!? I almost can't believe it! Without any warning my mother let me fall. I'm still mad at her for that. Doesn't she know how much it hurts to hit the ground? It's not a nice ground. I heard from Auntie that the ground beneath her roots is very soft and nice, but this! So hard. If I had a back, it would hurt like hell!
Anyway.
Now I was lying there. It was boring and I hated it. But then someone with very rough hands came round and picked me up. It was awful! He just put me in a basket with some of my siblings and cousins. And then he even put them on top of me! Doesn't he know what this does to me and my beautiful body? Well, it was dark and uncomfortable. I'm sure I muttered more than a few curses and my sisters hissed at me more than a dozen times. But I'm a gentle and well-mannered apple! So don't get the wrong impression. That was an exception.
But back to the story.
Now I was carried... somewhere. Well, there were too much humans around for my taste, that's all I really can remember. And all that touching! They were groping me and turning me upside down! It was so humiliating. I still have nightmares. Anyway, the humans were talking about money and some crisis and the lacking money and bad harvests and other human stuff. I didn't really listen. I tried to get my awesome look back. After all that being carried around and churned around I needed to relax. I mean! Some of my cousins looked better than me! Me! The most awesome apple that ever existed!
Anyway!
Sometime while I was trying to go back to normal, the basket with me and my siblings was suddenly lifted. My sisters screamed in surprise, but I was totally relaxed and not the least bit scared. Like, totally not. I'm an awesome apple, remember? I don't scream like my sisters just because some dude with strange hair and an ugly purple robe picked us up. ... Totally not. Anyway, we left that loud place and were put in some kind of... I don't know. One of my brothers had fallen on me and I couldn't see anything. But we were moving around! I felt it. And for quite some time. But then we stopped and I think that it was dark. Which was great. I needed some beauty sleep. I couldn't stand the whispering of my siblings and cousins. They were all talking about how I was now fallen from my high horse or something. Which is stupid, because I would never go near a horse even if someone would force me to choose between approaching a horse or being the ugliest apple of the whole world. ... Well, on second thought, I think I would choose the horse after all. I could never stand being the ugliest apple of the whole world!
Anyway!
Sometime the next day it suddenly became bright. Someone had opened the thingie I've been confined in and pulled the basket out.
"They look great." someone said. I would tell you how he looked like, but one of my annoying brothers was still lying on top of me. I would roll my eyes, if I had them. But alas! Apples have no eyes. Or a face. I can't even glare at him!
"Yes! Do you think you can make compote with them?" I was terrified! Me, made into compote! How could anybody even think about that!? I'm, like, the best apple and I'm way too good to be made into compote. Picture me shocked and insulted.
"Sure." the first human said. I hate him. "Thank you, Merlinus." That one I hate as well. And I hate my mother. How could she let go of me like that?
Well, that's how it is at the moment. Now we're in the present. So, I'm waiting for my doom. That human - he has the most awesome hair I've ever seen - is getting a fire started. I admit that I'm a bit scared. But I do not cry like my sisters. I do not cry. I'm an awesome apple.
Oh! Oh, no. Don't come near me, don't come near me! Oh my Big Apple, he grabbed one of my cousins! And- and he...! No, I can't look! He sliced him up! Oh, I wish I couldn't hear him scream. It's too cruel. Fortunately I don't wear clothes, or else I would have pissed my pants.
Oh, no! He grabbed me. Come on, human, can't you see that I'm too awesome to die!? Pretty please? According to your hair you're awesome as well. Come on, apple-brotherhood, bro?
"Hello, Lowen." He put me down, he put me down! Big Apple be praised!
"Oh! Rebecca." Hey, just because some female human showed up, you don't have to kick the basket with my family. Even if they're always jealous of me, I love them. Not as much as myself, but hey, you can't have everything. I'm willing to think that you didn't do it intentionally though - it's your hair, I swear. "Good morning." Smooth, boy. Apart from that blush.
"Those apples look delicious." Oi, she looks cute. Yes, lean down a bit more. "What are you doing with them?" Oh please, don't talk about it!
"Compote. Do you... want to help? Only if you have the time, of course!" Boy, you look awesome. There's no reason to be nervous.
"Ah, I already promised Wil to train with him. But maybe later? I can help you taste it." Oh, she has a nice giggle. I already like her.
"S-sure." Dude, stop blushing. Seriously. "Do you want to have an apple? As a snack?" Oh, no. Don't pick me! ... Wait! If she doesn't pick me, I'm gonna be compote! Pick me, pick me!
Yay, nobody can resist my looks. I'm truly an awesome apple. Hey, you have nice hands. They're soft. Apart from a few callouses here and there, but it's far better than that guy back then.
"Thank you, Lowen. See you later." Yes, goodbye, you stupid pot and you stupid fire. I'm sorry that I can't help you, brothers, sisters and cousins. But, I fear, this is the fate of every apple out there. Some day we will be eaten by somebody.
If I were philosophical, I would probably rant about the meaning of life or something. But I hate that. Besides, the way that human girl is eyeing me makes me shiver. She looks hungry. And while I enjoy a change of means of transportation, stop tossing me up and down! I'm getting sick here! I'm sure you've never seen how an apple throws up and I know that you don't want to know how that looks like.
...
Okay, nothing happens, when an apple gets sick. I hate my life.
"Hey, Wil!" Oh great, she found her human friend. I don't like his grin.
"Rebecca, there you are! I've already set up the targets." Targets? I don't know what you're gonna do, but I have a bad feeling about it. Feels like foreshadowing. My mother always told me that I have a sixth sense for danger, or something. Or maybe it was a sixth sense for getting others into danger. I don't remember, okay? I'm still mad at my mother.
Well, at least that human girl has put me down and now I can watch them shooting arrows at the targets. Which is totally boring. So, I'm gonna take a nap. All that agitation earlier made me tired. Goodnight.
...
... ...
"I bet you can't hit the apple from 150 foot away. And I'm putting it on the branch over there." Huh? What did she say?
"Of course I can!" What can you do?
"Okay, prove it!" Hey, don't grab me like that! Be a little more gentle. Hey, where are you taking me? What? I don't want to sit on this branch. It's uncomfortable. And- hey, why is that human pointing an arrow at me? ... No. No, no, no, don't even think about it! Come on, that's not nice. I know that almost anything looks good on me, but a hole through my middle?!
No, no, no, no.... Yes! He didn't hit, oh Big Apple, he didn't hit. Human girl, thank you for your tickle attack. Big Apple bless you! You saved me from a fashion disaster. I love you.
"Rebecca, that's unfair!" Yeah, no. She's my hero now. ... Hey, wait! Don't run away! I don't care if you want to chase her, but you can't just leave me here! There are animals out there that like to eat apples like me. Nobody can resist my ample curves - which are obviously in all the right places - and my luscious colour. I know, my beauty is a curse. My life is so hard.
Wait! They know all that and they still left me here!? Those humans have no idea! But- wait, then they would have eaten me! I'm- I'm confused. Do I want to stay here or leave...? Argh! Why is my life so complicated?
"Oh, what a precious sight!" Hey, who dares to disturb my whining- er, I mean my beautiful, artful and totally not girlish bewailing. "An apple as crimson as Dame Fiora´s flushed cheeks after a stormy ride through the sky." Huh? What's wrong with that one? And hey! He has even worse hands than the first human that touched me! What's up with those humans? Am I in a bloody war or something? Are those soldiers? And why do you people like to toss me up and down!?
Bloody-- No! No, I'm a well-mannered apple. They are getting on my nerves, but I have to keep my calm. I'm better than my sisters. They would panic and scream and cry. I don't do that. Even if the callouses of that guy really hurt. My poor skin.
"Let's see..." Ugh, finally he stopped that tossing. I think I'm developing a serious aversion to heights. "Where might Dame Fiora be?" Hey, dude! Don't tap me against your chin! You can do that with your finger, if you really need that to think. But don't put me close to that mouth of yours. I'm scared of mouths. They're bad. "Hum, I will try the stables first." Stable? Stable?! No way! I don't want to go near horses! I'm scared! Big Apple, please help me!
I'm scared, I'm seriously scared and crying manly-- er, apple-ly tears and shaking and that dumb human doesn't notice my terror!
And don't try to polish me on your dirty shirt! It's dirty! Geez, is that head of yours empty? Though... your hair... I like it. It's not as awesome as the hair of the murderer of my family, but it's on second place.
"Hm, she's not here." Great! Then let's go somewhere else. Yes, turn around, that's right. Good human, you're a very good human. Yes, the stables have almost disappeared. I'm almost save. Big Apple, you saved me once again.
"Sain!" No! Just when he was walking away from the stables. Why do those humans always pop up everywhere?
"Kent." Damn, he sounds happy. They will talk. And I'm still too close to the stables. "My boon companion, what are you doing here?"
"I want to look after Ronan. I think he limped a bit earlier." So what? I don't care. Can you please move again, human with nice hair? Wait, your companion has nice hair as well. Okay, it's a bit too bright. If it were a bit darker, he would look awesome as an apple. He would be no competition for me, but nobody is, really.
"I see, my friend. Then I won't distract you and go and find my lovely flower."
"'Lovely flower'?" I agree. That is a bad nickname. Why not 'Luscious Apple' or 'Sweet Russet'? "Sain, stop pestering the female part of the army and finally mend your shirt. You're a knight of Caelin, so please look like one."
"There's a hole?" Hey, dude! I don't want to see your ass, so please hold me differently! "Oh, I didn't see that." I understand your sigh, almost-apple-coloured human. I have to look at his ass and, you know, I'm a MALE apple. I'm not enjoying myself. "I will almost immediately mend it. But first I have to bring the lovely flower of the sky a present." Yes! Finally an other view. Oh, hello, almost-apple-coloured human. You look annoyed. Be glad that you didn't have to be in my position.
"Sain, did you steal that apple from Merlinus?"
"Of course not! I'm an honourable knight of Caelin. I found it." It? How dare you. If I had eyebrows, I would furrow them just like the almost-apple-coloured human and glare at you full-force. An apple like me you can't just find somewhere. I'm special. You have to be very lucky to meet me.
"There are no apple trees around here." You tell him. I think you're awesome.
"It was sitting on a branch. Next to the shooting targets. Maybe the adorable Rebecca or the lovely Lady Louise left it there all alone." He's talking too much. And he's gesturing too much. I'm getting sick.
"Sain..." Oh, I like that frown! I wish I could frown. I would frown all day. Hey... why is he extending his hand? "I will bring it back to Merlinus."
"But Kent-"
"No. You know that we need to ration our provisions." You tell him! You can't eat me and you can't give me to some female humans.
"Alright, alright." Hey, could you please treat me a bit more gently? I had a rough day. And, Big Apple help me, this almost-apple-coloured human has rough hands as well. I hate my life. "Then I have to find a different present for my love."
"Sain!" Sorry, dude, he's already gone. That nice-haired dude is quick. I can understand your annoyance. "Sometimes he's really..." He's what? Hey, don't just shake your head like that. I like you - you look almost like an apple, you have to be awesome - and I want to talk with you. Even if you can't hear me.
No! Why are you walking back to the stables? I thought you're cool. You're almost like an apple! You wanted to take me back to the others-- Oh my-- They're all dead by now! Don't take me back! But then he's taking me to the stables! What shall I dooooooo?!
No, don't open that gate. No, don't walk over to that beast. Such a horrible, horrible beast. Just look at those eyes. It's pure evil.
"Hey, there, Ronan." Don't just put me down on that- that makeshift fence. There are other horses around. They will sneak up on me. Come on, you look like a smart human. Think a bit. I mean, you're almost an apple. My apple-brother. Stop caring about that stupid horse. I think some of the others noticed my awesome presence. I hate my beauty and tastiness. Dammit.
Okay, nobody is helping me. While that human is examining that beast´s legs, I'm trying to get away. Somehow.
...
Damn, I wish I had legs. Or at least feet, but nooo, apples don't have those. I hate not being able to move. So, what shall I do...?
"Kent." Huh?
"Oh, Milady Lyndis." Bowing looks strange. But she's a beauty. Her hair has the same colour like my mother. I already like her. And she has a nice smile. "What are you doing here?" No, don't pet the monster!
"I was just taking a little stroll. Eliwood, Hector and I had a meeting and you know how I hate that stuffy tent. The cloth is too thick." Agh, she did pet it. That human has to be awfully brave to do that. I don't know if I should admire or worry about her. "Has something happened to Ronan?" Oh Big Apple, how can she continue to pet that beast?
"It looked to me like Ronan was limping, so I wanted to examine him. Fortunately it's just a stone and not a strain." Is it lethal?
"Do you need help?" Don't look like that, almost-apple-coloured human. And don't hesitate like that. Even I know that's impolite. You're lucky that the female human seems to have patience.
"If you could hold him..." See, everything's fine. Apart from the fact that you're helping a horse. Please, don't do that to me. Why are you not thinking about my feelings? And then you're also quick! Oh, my heart. I think I may have a heart attack. ... Okay, I don't have a heart. I'm an apple. Sue me.
"There, everything's alright now." Don't. Pet. That. Monster! Why are you humans not listening to me!? I know what's good for you.
"Thank you, my lady." Stop looking so serious. She's obviously flirting with you. I mean, look at that smile. And that gaze. And her body language. She likes you. Notice that. Geez, even a simple apple like me can see that.
"It was no problem. Just ask if you need help. With anything." Ohlala, what are you thinking about, almost-apple-coloured human? You dropped your gaze there. Dirty mind?
"Thank you." Stop petting that horse, both of you. Horses are evil.
"Oh, is that a treat for Ronan?" No, no, no! Please don't come closer! I know I'm irresistible, but I fear for my life now!
"Ah, no. Actually, I've wanted to bring it back to the supply wagon. I think someone stole some provision." Yes, take me back-- Agh, no! Death awaits me everywhere! Either compote or horse, human or beast. Why can't you just not eat me?
"But it's already here and Ronan was such a good boy." Smile at me like you smile at that human and I can die happy. I think that human thinks the same. He looks funny with red ears. Okay, he's not that red, but as a very observingly apple I can see everything. I'm just that awesome.
"Well, if Milady thinks it's alright..." Don't!
"I do." Noooo! I mean, your hands are nice and all and your hair reminds me of my mother and I don't have to die in a pot, but a horse!? Mercy! "Come here, Ronan." Please don't, please don't, please-- "Look, such a beautiful apple for you." I appreciate your compliment, but still!
Oh, that smile of yours. I think... I think it makes me happy. Well... it's my fate to die and be eaten. At least the last thing I see before my death is a beautiful smile. And I know that my apple-brother over there is jealous of me, because you smile at me and not at him, hah! Well, at least I'm gonna see my family again. I'm still mad at my mother, though.
Okay, I'm not.
Farewell, cruel world. I just was too beautiful for you.
And I'm still the most awesome apple in the world! Cheerio.
A/N: I don't know where the idea came from. But it was awesome to write it. I'm not sure if I post it on ff.net as well. It's so crackish. Thoughts?